forgotten class. the kindness of debbie. all-nighter.

I missed my Tuesday morning class b/c I completely forgot I had class. I woke up around 8, then just sat around until I went to work at 11:45. Class didn't even cross my mind. That's the first time I've ever forgotten I have class. That was weird. Why isn't school over yet? This is clearly a sign that it should be.

Deb did something really nice for me since I've been dealing w/ a lot lately, which was so sweet : )

I pulled an all-nighter writing this Child Welfare paper. Unfortunately, I have to work for 6 hrs today right after class (at work now). When I get home, I'm going to crash.

I'm my distraction. Mike.

I've been distracting myself all month. It's so difficult to focus and study. I only have 2 finals and a 25 page paper, but I've been avoiding studying like the plague and they're only a month away. Better get my act together and try to deal w/ a little of everything everyday. It would feel really good to do as well as I did last semester.

Mike got to FL last night. We talked for a bit today. He's doing alright, despite the pinched sciatic nerve. I'm glad he called... I can't help smiling when I talk to him, though it makes me want to cry at the same time b/c I miss him.

Happy Hot Tub Day!

Happy Hot Tub Day! No, this is not a joke. Deb sent me an ecard for such an occasion. Ironically, we tried to go to a hot tub at her gym on Saturday, but it was already closed. So, we've been talking about it non-stop since, and tomorrow, all will be be good and bubbly. I'm really glad I've spent this week recuperating, catching up w/ old friends, and doing nice things for myself.

zen-like day

I couldn't get to sleep until 4 or 5 am this morning, then woke up at 3 in the afternoon. Lounged around for a couple hours, went grocery shopping, and did a load of laundry. I intended to pick up some basic things - eggs, milk, cereal, pasta, and sauce. Instead, I was mesmerized by all the fresh food and figured I wouldn't have to come back in a couple days if I picked up a few more things. The cart was filled to the top by the time I was done. I got a little of everything from the pyramid - fish, lemon juice, salad, boca burgers, perogies, whole grain bread, porkchops, yogurt, ice tea mix, cereal, onion rolls, cantaloupe, pasta, tomato sauce, salad dressing, eggs, and milk. I really love eating well. Spent $57, Savings $17. Damn, I'm good. I circled the store a couple times, comparing deals, putting meals together in my mind. Grazing around became enjoyable and zen-like. After that, I was really into this healthiness vibe, so washed a load of laundry in the tub. I need to be more involved in my life. : P It's now almost 10pm and I'll be in bed in a couple hours so I can get up early tomorrow. I have to talk to the apartment manager about extending the lease to the end of the year.

1-800-LAWCASH

I saw a commercial whose sole purpose is to ride the litigious wave that's crashed upon American culture. Apparently, all you need to do to be able to pay for a lawyer is call 1-800-LAWCASH. They will finance your lawsuit and if you lose there's no charge. This isn't much different from the contingency fee system, you pay or don't pay contingent upon winning or losing. Since this system exists, what's the point of this lawsuit financing concept? It increases litigiousness by creating more avenues through which to litigate that are not necessary and further serves to feed the psyche the idea that lawsuits are normal, everyday instruments for getting what you want. I wish law school had such a loan, if you don't graduate, you get all your money back.

Class in Court

well, that was interesting. today, child welfare law was held in the O'Brian Hall courtroom b/c there was a class taking a mid-term in our usual room. that's because a few of the rooms are sealed off due to asbestos. the enviro-care crew is still here w/ their big white vans and blue-jumpsuited guys w/ walkie-talkies. it's kind of exciting. there's soot and ash all over the place, especially the library (which is closed until further notice). the cleaning folks are wiping down each and every book. i was "on" today in child welfare - basically, we signed up for a couple of classes in which we experience more of the good ol' socratic method. i was more or less ready. last night and this morning, i read, thought about, and took notes on the stuff though i really wasn't in the mood. and whaddaya know, this fire has worked out in my favor yet again. first, an extended spring break at the perfect time. then, class was cancelled tuesday, so we covered that material instead of today's, and i was off the hook. so, now i'm only "on" for one day : )

my god, what's with all this sun? it must've gotten lost on its way down to FL.

kubler-ross>the cold>court>curb

denial sadness bargaining anger acceptance - here's to the fun trip! i wonder if elizabeth kubler-ross also said that these steps don't necessarily happen in order, one at a time, and/or just once. sometimes, you can't believe how much you feel.

weatherchannel.com's "feels like" temperatures:
19 F buffalo - sleety, snowy, windy, generally shitty
53 F raleigh
70 F orlando

i've never lived in a city before where you would not want to go somewhere b/c of the weather. i mean work, school, a friend's house, the movies, not places that need a certain kind of weather, like the beach. even when it was blazing hot out in FL, which is often, it took 15 seconds to walk to, start up, and turn on the A/C in your car before you got to the next air conditioned place. the heat is sticky and uncomfortable, but the cold is confining and painful down to your bones.

court didn't go too well. i pled guilty to having an expired inspection sticker and got the minimum fine. great, i thought, only $40 plus a surcharge. but then when i paid for it, the surcharge jumped it right up to a hundred bucks. at least there are no points on my license.

going to wendy's earlier, i turned the steering wheel, but the brakes and the tires didn't do their job and i glided-bumped into a curb on a weird curvy intersection near a giant intersection. thank god everyone was going half the speed limit b/c of the all the snow and slush on the roads. i knew if i backed up too quickly to try to get the car out of the strangely safe spot it was in, someone might hit me or my tires would just spin without moving the car b/c of all the snow and thinning tread. so, i put on my hazards until i saw that no cars were coming, then backed up really slowly and moved on. that was not enjoyable.

i miss florida.

void - wings

void

as you walk out
and the door closes
a void enters
curling its fringes
around my ribs
pushing outward
on the bars
of its cellblock


wings

be who you are
in a sky full of dreams,
and as you step forward
keep faith and jump
knowing you have wings

We Didn't Start the Fire... I Swear!

On a lighter note, sort of, there was a fire in the law school. I came to work on Sunday afternoon and O'Brian (law school bldg) was surrounded by yellow tape and about a dozen restoration vans. I snuck around all the tape and the people in uniform and went up to the 2nd floor, where you enter the law library, to make sure I didn't have to work. The library was closed, but everything looked fine. Then again, I didn't see the food court on the second floor where the fire started. We think a disgruntled law professor who can't get tenure decided to nuke his burrito for 8 hours, but it's just a theory. At least it was during Spring Break and no one got hurt. But, clearly, the important part of this story is that our Spring Break has been extended a couple days : )

Last Days

This is the day we could not face. Mike leaves for Florida after I get home from work. I just want to be here so we can say goodbye. I only work for 3 hours today, so that's not too long to not cry in front of my co-workers. Last night, we had a little party. Mike, me, Chris, Devin, Ava, Ren, and Alex played Monopoly and watched the Jeff Foxworthy Roast. The remote has been AWOL for a while and we were too lazy to change the channel amidst the rousing game of Monopoly, so we watched the Jeff Foxworthy Roast 3 times. The best part was the actor who did the GW impression. As for the rest of the show, we should've changed the channel 3 times. Anyway, Friday night (the night before) Mike and I had dinner at Moon Chinese Buffet and saw Hitch, a last date if you will. I feel like my heart is breaking. I miss him already.

God Bless the Little People

I went to H&R Block this afternoon to get my taxes done. So, I walked into this tiny office in the mall that reeked of body odor. Now, I may be hallucinating, but don't they have commercials saying they charge $30 for you to do your taxes? I asked how much they charge and was told it's a base rate of $39 for just federal taxes, and according to how complex it is (multiple itemizations, etc.) they charge more. I asked about the commercials and was told that they didn't know about them. Then, the accountant asked me to have a seat and the amount charged would be known after the taxes were done. The body odor gave me a bad feeling to start with. Then, after hearing that, I left and called around out of the phone book. I was able to find a nice local accountant who asked me all types of questions on the phone prior to making an appointment, like whether I'm a student, where do I work, any itemizations, that sort of thing. Then, he said it would be $40 for federal and state taxes b/c I'm a struggling student. How awesome is that? Plus, I get to give my money to the little people instead of a giant corporation.

How NOT to Finance Law School

1. Be okay with the fact that you'll be so in debt, you could've bought a house. Maybe a fixer-upper, but a house nevertheless.

2. Work 2 jobs while in school.

3. Live on Ramen noodles in a nice apartment you can barely afford.

4. Take out enough loans to feed a small country.

5. Worship your credit cards - swipe them like your life depends on it.

6. Declare bankruptcy.

But, a lot of students use any combination of these ways to get themselves through school, including myself. So, how do you correctly finance higher education w/o a scholarship, grants, a lot of savings, independent wealth (of your own or your parents'), or one of those Gerber baby programs that start your parents saving money for your college education when you're still in the womb? If I knew, I'd share the wealth.

echo - house of clay - leaving

echo

can you sum up
all the lost moments
trying to help
but instead
destroying the thread
of what it meant to be us?
it’s my throat tightening,
it’s your voice fading,
it’s the echos reverberating
in the hollowness
of my chest
as i ask you to walk away
that make me say,
how can you leave
when your scent
is a fresh tattoo
etched into my skin?


house of clay

you knew you wanted to marry me
when we first met
we were just kids in ceramics
molding clay with our hands

we grew together, then apart,
then 1800 days later
i fell in love

determined to shape a life together
we would be a superhuman
beacon of goodness
out to rush the world
and lift the sky
because in love, we could not fail

but now we know
we can be better and more
and all that is real
and as you pack your belongings
for the long trip home
the last thing i hear you say is
“i’m going to do things right
so i can put a ring on your finger”


leaving

we know it is
what it is

but that doesn’t help
when this week sometime
you’ll leave while I’m gone

driving into the deep south
where the palm fronds
gently sweep their arms
to welcome you home

Spring Cleaning

I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my chest. Today, I threw out anything that I was ambivalent about keeping and everything I was sure I wouldn't miss. I kept my old papers and notes from college and law school, all the sentimental stuff - cards, letters, etc., useful stuff, and things I really liked. But, notes for papers, research for papers, old bills and statements, and anything I didn't care about or wasn't necessary went into the garbage. Then, I re-organized all this stuff into a couple drawers and a couple boxes. Photos and past journals are in one place. The books I wanted to keep now have some kind of order on the bookshelves now. So, all of the official stuff consists of the latest bank statements, loan statements, the last credit card statements and bills, the latest insurance statements, and useful tax stuff. I thought it would a few days to do all this, but it only took a Saturday afternoon. : ) The cleaning process brought a few things to light, for example, I found a schedule book I kept when I was in my last year of undergrad (2001) and realized how much more I did with school and friends, how much I went to the gym, how much more energy I had, and how together I had it when I didn't smoke. In the last three days, I've smoked less half a pack - approx. 3 cigarettes a day. So, quitting cold turkey is a little too painful, but I've cut down a lot. Anyway, I filled up a couple Hefty bags and feel MUCH lighter. Things are organized and manageable... Allow me to breathe a sigh of relief for a sense of freedom I haven't felt for years from finally getting my belongings in order, *SIGH*. : D

Birthday and Anniversary

Yesterday was actually my dad and step-mom's 10 year anniversary and Christian's birthday. I was so in awe the whole day that they've been together for 10 years that I completely forgot it was Christian's birthday. What kind of friend am I?? Well, forgetting once in 14 years ain't bad. ; ) Happy 24th, my oldest friend, I'm glad you had a good one! : D

Me, a morning person?

I've been so productive lately, I'm scaring myself. Every morning at 7:30, I'm up. It doesn't matter if I got 6 hours of sleep - I'm up! Then, I do stuff. Clean, read, think, run errands, etc. That way if I don't do much all night after I get home from work and class, it's OK since the day was so productive. I never thought it was possible, but I may be becoming a morning person.

33 Steps, Epiphany #3

I picked up a book today called Infinite Self: 33 Steps to Reclaiming Your Inner Power by Stuart Wilde. In times of crisis, I usually experience an epiphany or at least a cathartic moment of some sort. That's when I buy one of these books and hope to improve inner peace or infuse myself with a few hundred pages of spirituality. Usually, I get through half of one of these self-improvement books before becoming bored and letting it collect dust. Mr. Wilde says these 33 steps are ancient Taoist teachings, so hopefully, I'll get through the whole book, then be able to utilize my epiphany instead of be englightened for a week or two, then act as if it never happened.

I realize now that everything my dad ever taught me can be summed up in Plato's teachings. I've learned a few life-changing things in recent years. Taming of the ego to do what is right (see Plato or my dad), not judging, and empowerment. Although the first lesson has been drummed into my head since I was 5 and is my namesake ("Quell the heart or compete with the heart"), personal development took precedent up until now, and I did a lot of things the hard way. Some totally unnecessary, some slightly stupid, some completely vital to who I am today. I don't regret any of it, but now understand that my Chinese name has nothing to do with confining who I am and developing an uber-practical mind with no heart or desire to back it. Rather, the idea is to live my life in a way that enables me to do what I want in the most effortless way. You could say the smaller lesson of empowerment learned a year ago is incorporated into this "Right Way," for to carry out the "Right Way" one must be empowered.

Anyway, here are Stuart Wilde's
33 Steps to Reclaiming Your Inner Power:

1. I am God
2. Expanding your awareness
3. Having courage to go beyond
4. The courage to accept spirit as your inner guide
5. Accepting negavity as a learning experience
6. We learn about the world through common belief patterns, then go beyond
7. All human knowledge is affected by human weakness
8. The masters were supernatural because others were not
9. Power comes from discipline
10. Centering the mind
11. Believing you are already the power
12. Your word as law
13. Acceptance
14. Judge nothing, quantify nothing
15. Hold on to nothing
16. Don't defend
17. Constanty purify yourself
18. Respect all living thngs; observe the beauty in all things
19. The power rises from within
20. Action through nonaction
21. Dedicating your life to the sacred way
22. Understanding that inspiration and creativity come from within
23. Always maintain freshness; watch nature, align to nature
24. Fear not death; accept it, live life
25. Avoid becoming a guru
26. Physical discipline
27. Emotional discipline
28. Mental discipline
29. Philosophical discipline
30. Spiritual discipline
31. Quest
32. Fusion
33. The Inititiate

Bright Lights of Buffalo

Weirdest thing... After living in Alaska-ish light to darkness ratio for 2.5 years, my eyes are really sensitive to light. With the sunlight (a rare occurence in Winter) reflecting off the snow, my eyes have been burning all day.

Magical Silver Sticker

With a lot of help from "Mike's Garage" I passed inspection! : ) $900 worth of repairs turned out to be about $100 in parts and some MacGuyver-like skills. Now, I don't have to skulk around after dark or attempt to duck out of view of police officers. And no more bumming rides from friends. Ah, the freedom of having a car (and the State allowing you to drive it). What a difference a silver sticker makes.

Dreams

I guess I never wanted anything extraoardinary. In the grandest version of my dreams I'm a writer who is successful enough to live in a beach house and write all day. But, really, I just want what most people want - love, a career of some sort, a home, a family. I don't know if I'm so well-grounded that I never had big dreams, or if I know what I want and much more or much less would be unfulfilling. Either way, it seems that in order to begin to build my future, I need to know who I am (and I do), know what I value (and I do), and actually do what I know is right (trying to). It's all out there and I just have to go get it.